Time Warp?

So it hit me this morning as I rushed to get dressed, the problem isn't that I get in the shower too late it's that I think too much.

I take long showers. It is my one great environmental failing. (That and not recycling steel cans.) If Lake Tuscaloosa weren't so much larger than Tuscaloosa really needs, I would be better about this.* Anyway, back to why my showers are so long. I always shower in the morning. My hair is just greasy enough to need to be washed every morning and it is part of my wake up routine.

Sometimes I take long showers to warm up. This is particularly true this time of year. I've been known to stay in until my toes are warm. Sometimes I take a shower/bath and it takes a while to fill the tub (especially when you turn down the water so you can keep the hot water from running out.;) Sometimes I just stand there and all but fall asleep. Most of the time I really don't know where the time goes.

One weekday mornings I use the timer on my little shower radio so I have some idea of how long I've been in there and that I really need to get a move on. Often I'll set it for 15 minutes. When it turns off I know I need to wash my hair and get out. (Washing my hair is always the last thing I do. Washing my face is usually the second to last thing I do.) When I get out of the shower I'm sometimes floored by the amount of time that has passed. Where did it go? This morning provides a clue.

As I was rinsing my face off, I started thinking about something**. Really pondering it. I was finally awake enough to string more than two thoughts together and this thing just popped up and I started wondering. I'm not sure how long I stood there but it was far longer than I intended. Really, I have no clue how much time passed. So maybe that's where all that time goes - random musings. If I'd just not let my brain start working on something, I could get out.

If I'm really really late I rush through my shower and don't get a chance to daydream. If I get up on time, I have plenty to spend in the shower. If I snooze, I'm late to work.



*But really even with the drought this year, we still have plenty of water. The lake is lower than I've ever seen it but we have plenty of drinking water. If we have a dry winter, things may change. Also, I have little sympathy for Atlanta (the people yes, the planners no) because they've had their head in the sand about the needs of the city and the capacity of Lake Lanier for about 20 years AND didn't start restricting users (except landscapers) until September. They partially brought the crisis on themselves.

**Do I start talking mid-thought? My mother sometimes starts mid-story (like she thinks she's told you the background info before) but I swear several times lately she seems to have missed the first half of my first sentence and the whole conversation gets confused from there. So do I start mid-sentence or was Mom just not listening well?

Damn.

Mom's been doing so well this last week or so. Saturday I drove her to the mall and grocery store and she was calm and rational about her not being able to see well enough. Sunday she seemed in good spirits at Nettie's party, if a bit tired at the end. Then she calls me today and starts crying. I don't know what to say, I never do. I sometimes wish I could just run away.

Mom has a macular pucker in her left eye (I think). She first noticed a problem back in late May early June. She went to the eye doctor after we visited Anna; he diagnosed it and referred her to the local retinal specialist. The eye doc said that these things move slowly and surgery isn't done until one's vision is significantly effected, i.e. loss of vision affects one's daily life. She was suppose to see the specialist in October. The pucker got worse. By mid-July Mom couldn't read paperbacks anymore. Reading Harry Potter to Nettie in the car was hard. I finally nagged her into calling the specialist and seeing if she could get an appointment sooner. He saw her the next week (now early Sept). With her glasses on, she could only read the top two rows on the eye chart with her left eye. The specialist set up surgery as soon as possible, the end of October. It takes about six months for maximum recovery of sight and that will be about half of what's been lost. He also told Mom that the surgery tends to trigger cataracts, in both eye, so she'll probably need cataract surgery in about 6 months (at least that doesn't involve actually cutting the eye).

The macular pucker makes things look wobbly or crocked (Mom's whole 6" Amsler grid is crazy, viewed at a distance of 2'). Mom's vision seems to change in jumps. She'll be doing OK and then wake up one morning and the floor looks like a roller coaster again. Usually, by the next day she is compensating and can get around OK and drive. After this last change it took three days for her to be able to drive again. Not that she does much, it is a strain. She's been using her cane and handicap tag again, not because of her back but because she has so much trouble judging where the floor is or if there is anything in her way. She started using the cane after she walked into the wall next to the door one day picking Nettie up from school. (BTW, Belk's in town has a VERY slick floor, not good if your cane doesn't have a rubber tip.)

We live out in the boonies so to get anywhere, one has to drive. Dad will take her places but he has things he has to do and he doesn't get as lonely as Mom. And he doesn't want to go to lunch with one of her girlfriends. Right now she's kind of trapped in the house. She can't read at all. She can't really watch TV, just listen, and the daytime programs she likes are all decorating type shows - not good listening. There are many TV shows she likes anymore, anyway.

So she calls me. And I don't know what to say and want to hang up, and run away, forever. And then feel bad, because I'm a bad daughter. And a bad person, because I feel sorry for myself despite being almost perfectly healthy.

Escape

Activities that make me forget the rest of the world exists:
Showering
Reading
Sleeping
Camping
Sex
Hiking
Swimming (not with family, often tied to hiking)
Watching a movie at the theatre
Watching a play
Dancing (sometimes)


Any suggestions on which of these I should do this weekend to avoid my mother?

Stubborn Childish Ways

A little navel-gazing this morning. While talking to Mom last night she brings up my depression. She's worried about me. I need to see a shrink and have my meds evaluated. I need to get out of the house... You get the picture. The problem isn't that I don't agree with her, it's just that every time she starts in on this it makes me not want to do it. It is a horribly childish, contrary, idiotic, and non-helpful attitude but I don't want her to be right. Or tell me what to do (I'm 30 for God's sake). I don't want her to worry. Half of my life is spent trying to keep her from worrying about me. She has enough to worry about with my siblings (not all, just a few), Dad, and her own health.

I've been trying to keep her from worrying since I was little and thought the reason she hid and cried in the closet was my fault. The grown-up in me knows it wasn't; the 7-yr old in me can't be convinced otherwise. It's a hopeless cause, I know. Mothers worry, that is the way it is. But still I try. I don't tell her much because that's the only way to keep worrying info from her. That also means the one few people who has known me "forever", doesn't know me.

She also brought up my weight. "If I keep gaining weight, it will get in the way of doing some of the things I want to do." In other words, I will never find a man if I don't lose weight. Thanks Mom, that's a boost to the self-esteem. I don't already feel bad enough about how I look and my chances with the opposite sex.

And she wonders why I don't come over for dinner very often.