What's on my mind.

25 June 2008


So, every once in a while I think "I'm just going to do X" or "I'm not going to Y any more" or something along those lines. Then I start trying to figure out how to do X or not do Y and the plan falls apart. I don't know how to be(act/think/feel/...) different(ly) than I do, how I always have (or at least so long that I can't remember what it was like before). I actually had a therapist say "you need to just stop doing that*" and I sat and looked at her thinking "well, DUH, but how?".

That's what I always come back to - but how?

There are so many things about myself I wish were different but I don't know how to fix them and the inertia is high. I am a basically lazy person. It's so easy to allow inertia to just carry you forward and not try.

Oh, in case you were wondering - no, I didn't go to the dance Saturday (but I did renew my membership for the year). Going to the ball would have required thinking about what I was going to wear (fun in the abstract but stressful in actuality; what could I wear vs. what am I going to wear), doing my hair and make-up (why do I bother?), and, the biggie, psyching myself up to spend a few hours with a bunch of strangers (who if history is any guide (and what else do I have to go on?) I won't talk to or get asked to dance, except perhaps by the guy who apparently can't count to 4). It was much easier and less stressful to sit around the house, read, watch a movie, and practice knitting.

*specifically she was telling me I needed to stop focusing on the past. What, am I suppose to ignore what's happened in the past and just expect everything to be magically different? She wasn't the best (match for me) therapist I had at the University's Psych dept. clinic.

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