What's on my mind.

18 February 2008

Grumpy Old Me

I'm the one who suggested the "grumpy old man" post for the blog challenge. Inspired by a discussion on what one can get for 25 cents with my little sister. A quarter will get you one of those stale hollow gum balls from the gumball machine stand at the mall. When I was her age I could get a better gum ball for two pennies. (Or maybe I only remember them as better.:)) Does anyone else remember "Where's the Beef" gum? Or the Wendy's ad campaign that name was stolen from?

(Speaking of fast food, anyone out there remember the Roy Rogers? I don't know if they were national or just regional. When they were bought by Hardee's (Where'd you think they Hardee's learned to fry chicken?) the one in Vienna changed thier signage but the interior decor didn't change. They didn't even tke down the portrait of Roy. My friends and I called the Roy-Hardee's.)

Anyway, this isn't what I really meant but, oh well, that's how the cookie crumbles sometimes.

Sometime I wonder if I'm really better on anti-depressants. Sure, I can go to the grocery store or worship at the Wall of Mart (I avoid it like the plaque, but sometimes I have to go.) any day of the week, no psyching up required; I can speak in public without risk of hyperventilating (although I talk so fast it's amazing I don't anyway); I can eat by myself at almost any resturant, but I still perfer to only at certain places; the wall between me and other people isn't a cement-filled cinder block one anymore. There are some other things, too, but that's gives you the idea.

Thing is I still feel alone in a crowd; the wall is still there; most of the time I'd rather go to lunch by myself than with just my boss because there wouldn't be anyone else to talk, other times I go to lunch with the group and feel alone; I still don't know how to meet people; I still watch stupid made-for-TV rom/coms and get depressed because I don't have any writers on my side...

It's never bothered me to be by myself. Occasionally nw I want to be around people but if I go out I'm very aware that I'm alone and end up feeling worse. Used to be, I wouldn't have even considered going out. Before the meds I was numb most of the time and shoved my emotions in the closet only to have burst out everyonce in while. Now I don't know that I feel anything most of the time. Except when I feel crappy and fragile, and shit tumbles out anyway. I still wonder what it'd be like if the wall between me and others was real, something everyone could see, acknowledge, and then move around instead of just in my head.

Sometimes I wonder if this is really better. Am I really better?

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